Some may classify the last four years as isolation or agoraphobia; was it really solitude? I’ve taken the last four years as an opportunity to force me to confront who I am and realize the toxicity that surrounded me socially as well as the habits I formed in my own household. They were long, hard years but I found peace, stability, and happiness alone. I became mindful of who I shared my energy with and who I even allowed to give me a hug. The isolation beginning in 2020 allowed me to assess myself. I observed who I was allowing in my life and focused on my self-awareness. While studies can be conflicting on the impact of the global pandemic and the isolation, we can be labeled as agoraphobic, but it was a forced isolation that turned into solitude for me.

When I state that 2018-2023 were difficult years for me, it is an understatement. They were horrific. As one example, I remember watching the Ukraine-Russia war on TV and had an immediate episode witnessing the violence on World News. I took immediate action and disconnected my television. Obviously, another cycle of healing had to take place to recover from the episode. The usual grief cycle, financial, job, self-care, sleep, exercise, and med management routine. There were daily meetings with doctors and my support group to tackle each challenge one step at a time.

Each year more lessons were learned about the sensitivities I have. The disconnection from the outside world allowed me to confront myself and all of the past experiences that had shaped my response to the world and the unfortunate actions that had happened in my past that are ingrained in my memory. For example, I am sensitive to certain levels of maturity in conversation, violence, my trauma trigger points (something I am in therapy for and not ready to disclose), physical energy transference between people, or if too many negative life events occur simultaneously, I lose resilience.

It is a very uncomfortable trek to discover the relationship you have with yourself. I have faith that I will continue to awaken each day with my sights set on my personal relationship with myself and ultimately cultivating a new circle of people I can share my energy, peace, and hugs. The most valuable lesson I learned is that you are going to survive the heart breaking and troubling days and when you have the capacity to overcome and be alone, you know you are powerful and strong. That’s when you know you are ready to relate and connect to society or those in society who respect your life journey.

The growth area for me is to reacclimate into society as solitude can lower levels of resilience if not being exposed on a regular basis. I am starting to participate in small social group settings and expanding my people circle. I am starting to get education on places I can socialize to expand my mind, body, and spirit. My new relationships are more positive, and most are found through taking steps of my self-healing progress. You begin to find the right tribe for you.

The peace I created in the middle of several crisis years has allowed me to live mindfully and with gratitude within my home, as it is a safe, harmonious place for me. The challenges I face with my sensitivities are being or will be addressed through therapy, yoga, and using discernment to surround myself with productive, influential, inspiring people.

I haven’t missed the television being disconnected; I highly recommend nature instead! I am also fully aware when I have chemistry with other people. This is something I was not self-aware several years ago as I never gave myself the opportunity to see the potential of other people in my life. This is exciting as I know I am ready to share my awesomeness with the right person or people. To cope with the lack of human touch and need for pressure on my body, I purchased a weighted blanket for days in need of sensory stimulation. The bottom line is we all need someone to love and touch but for those of us with sensitivities, we must be self-aware of the physical energy exchange between others and the maturity required to have healthy love.

I have been on my own solo journey for nine years after leaving a fifteen-year relationship. My evolution to finding solitude has been a long road. All nine years have been an evolution of self-discovery and managing mental illness solo. I was never completely alone as I could not have made it through all of the difficult times without cultivating the appropriate personal support system and workplace support. I am thankful and grateful for all that were brave enough to care and assist during a crisis. I am thankful and grateful for my workplace support. I’m ready to see the world but it is a new prospective now and I have a different set of boundaries than before.

My self-healing journey didn’t start with the pandemic, but I am grateful for the opportunity to dig deep into internal work that was necessary to understand the whole me and identify how much trauma I have experienced in this lifetime. My illnesses or trauma does not define me; action must be taken to heal the mind, body, and spirit. The greatest accomplishment was removing my dependency from alcohol and pinpointing all my personal needs that is allowing for new growth, therapies, education, and self-discovery.

The Earth replenished and repaired itself during 2020 and so did I. The past chapters are going through wound repair and each day I focus on my new chapters; I know I have conquered solitude; I know I’ve made peace with myself and in my home, and I know how to give myself a butterfly hug if necessary. I know there is a bright future ahead and we take it one min, hour, day at a time. The horrific times make us heroic, and all of our challenges unfold into life’s beauty. My plan is to continue to build the skills to broaden my horizons in my new chapters. I am not fearful of restarting and resetting when necessary. I am not afraid of the next battle as I am adding tools to my belt. We are made with resiliency and our bodies learn how to replenish and repair ourselves with the right support systems and sometimes this means taking a deep breath and finding your inner peace.